Hate Week Illustrated: The Spartan Feelings Meter Returns

I stopped using this after The Horror last year.  It's time to bring it back.

I hope I don't have to retire it again later today. I tell you, football PTSD is a real thing. If it wasn't a noon game, I'd surely explode in anticipation. I know what we SHOULD do in this game. I know what the outcome SHOULD be. Forgive me if I harbor a few reservations. Completely irrational and unwarranted reservations. I just need to get this one done and done with surgical precision. I'll be on the road to recovery then.

I expect something on the order of 45-7 or maybe 52-10. Basically, big score (M) to little/no score (MSU).  I think we'll see heroics from Peppers, Lewis, Stribling, Higdon, and many more. I also expect to see the Sparty QB (Connor Lewerke or Messiah O'Connor or whatsisname) on the ground wearing a maize and blue bulldozer with a #3 on it at least a couple times before it's over. I also expect that the Sparty thugs will be up to their usual hijinx, targeting Speight, trying to end Peppers' career, and Sparty-things like that. 

We'll see how all that works out. Karma and the Football gods must be on our side. I spoke of bloodlust after Rutgers, but I'm finding that I was just having fun that weekend. This. This is bloodlust and I want Dad to rain hellfire on the smug Spartans and their constipated coach. 

#BurnIt #FireDantonio   Make that trend by about 4pm today and I'll be a happy girl.

#GOBLUE #BEATSPARTY

Trey Burke, We're So Sorry

[Update: Burke has since tweeted that his comments were taken out of context. Maybe so - I want to believe it. I suppose he wasn't well-prepared to deal with the media or public panel discussions while he was in Ann Arbor anymore than he was prepared to handle anything else. And yes, maybe I'm still hard on him in my comments below. In his position, you need to know how the things you say will be twisted and interpreted, if in fact that's what happened. What I say here is just my opinion, informed by my own time at Michigan. I don't expect most people to agree with me. And that's okay. We all view things like this through the lens of our own experiences. Peace.]

I take this break in my MSU Hate Week fun to bring up a topic I only became aware of very late yesterday. Apparently while I was dreaming up invasive medical procedures for Mark Dantonio, a former Michigan basketball player, Trey Burke, was slamming the University of Michigan for a number of "slights" in a very public forum.

He appeared recently before the Knight Commission to tell about his experiences as a student-athlete at the University of Michigan. The Commission was formed as an advocacy organization for NCAA reform and NCAA athletes.

Mr. Dantonio, you can thank Mr. Burke for drawing the eye of Sauron (me, in this scenario) away from you and toward a Michigan "student-athlete" for at least today. You're welcome.

Here is my message to Trey Burke:

I used to really think you were a great guy and a great Wolverine. I was really sad when you ditched the University for the NBA after just two years here. I felt that if you stayed, we really might have become champions. But when all of you "stars" left, we did not become champions, and most of you didn't become much of anything in the NBA either. Still, I wished you well. No one figured you'd stay anyway. Life goes on ... and Harbaugh.

And now you appear before the Knight Commission to lay out a list of complaints over how you were forced to live at U-M? How you were supported? Is that the sound of the world's tiniest violin I hear? Playing the world's saddest tune? God help me.

Well, Trey, we're so very sorry that your extremely brief time here was so awful. 
That dorm food for athletes, which is 10x better than dorm food for little people like me who PAID A LOT OF MONEY to be here, was not as good as your mom's. My mom was a great cook, too. I ate dorm food for a year and Kraft Mac 'n Cheese and fish cakes for three years in an apartment after that. I never complained. And mom cooked for me as a treat when I came home or she visited. 

We're sorry you feel you need to be paid to be a student-athlete in order to survive. You got your tuition and books and room and board paid for, plus you had academic counseling, and all the physical training you could handle for FREE. But you needed more cash on hand than the average Michigan student who needs some pocket cash AND tuition and books and room and board and all the other expenses you took for granted. What a pain for you. How much fun money went toward your tattoos instead of superior food? Just askin'.

We're so very sorry that Coach Beilein and Athletic Department programs didn't prepare you to handle the potential challenges of professional basketball as a sophomore, because you seem to think that this was their job. Thank you for clarifying what their jobs were, because the rest of us all think that their jobs are to support the student-athletes,  make sure they are getting an education and as much experience as they can to improve athletically, should they want to move on to a professional career after college. Their jobs are also to WIN. It is college, not a farm team. YOU are the one who didn't prepare. YOU are the one who let the University down after they gave you so much. YOU made the choice to "check out" and stop being a student-athlete, becoming just an athlete looking for a big NBA "upscale" meal ticket. When you gave up on your commitment to the University and its success, why does the University owe you advice on how to deal with your agent or how to invest your money? If you'd stayed four years, you might have found some excellent classes to teach you that. You might have matured in a way that made you a more critical thinker when it came to analyzing how to proceed with your career.  You also might have matured as a player and increased your success in the pros.  You left and Michigan owes you nothing.

I will end this by saying, grow the fuck up. You sound like an entitled prima donna, now making millions for doing very little in the NBA. Face reality. Mommy can't always be there to cook for you or make things better. Your coaches, your managers, your bosses...you do a job for them. Sure, some may be the type of people to offer you advice and be role models for you. Don't expect that you can dishonor your own commitments and still have the world fall at your feet because you can sink a three pointer in your sleep. 

Complain about Michigan all you want. There are five arguments against you for every one you can lay down at our feet. Maybe you and Chris Webber can hang out and sort out how you both got screwed by Michigan, how the bacon and eggs were bad, and how you weren't taught to invest your millions at age 20.  

Leave the rest of us free to think about how to pay off our student loans, or how to invest in our new 401K when our first job snags us $60K/year, or how to swallow the dorm food that goes to the people who don't have access to the "Training Table."

Good luck out there. It's a tough world for a millionaire. But I can only guess at that.

Hate Week Illustrated: Dantonio Preps for the Wolverines

I don't believe in jinxes so I'm going to enjoy Hate Week this year with #EUTM. Yes, I know full well that strange things can happen (like that science fiction show in Happy Valley last week where a James Franklin PSU team stunned the #2 Buckeyes) or say, weird things happening in a kicking game with no time on the clock and the enemy running it back for a score even though the game was essentially over. I have some vague, tormented dreams that I lived through something like that.

But I don't think bad things will happen this year. MSU is not going to win this game. They're going to feel the collected wrath of every Michigan player who lived through The Horror Years and Mark Dantonio is facing a Harbaugh who does not take whiny, snarky chatter against him or his program well. Amend that, he takes it quite well, but his memory is infallible. Remember what he did to Rutgers as a lesson in chatter and whining about farming The Garden? Let's just say Dantonio is going to pay for years of butt-clenched, angry old man sniping. "Pride comes before the fall." "Where's the threat?" "The only response I have is maybe some day the little brother grows up." 

No, there's no way Harbaugh is going to go lightly on Mark. Or if he does, it will be with a dose of GoLytely, an excellent solution for what's about to happen to the old grumpy cat.

Because the only thing Dantonio needs to prep for is a thorough, eyes-wide-open colonoscopy on Saturday. And I. Can't. Wait.

More to come. I am in no way finished enjoying this week.

Go Blue! Beat Sparty!

Recovering from a Day of Bloodlust

Blood is a mysterious thing.

It's a life-giving river flowing through us from the arterial tributaries of generations of men and women we never knew, but whose DNA stretches still within us. I'm fascinated endlessly by thinking of the parts of my being for which I can thank some Danish Viking or Saxon warlord that fought into my gene pool over a 1000 years ago. 

I see it in my absolute love of winter and cold. My ability to wear the scratchiest wool. Even in my appreciation for sharp, well-balanced, utilitarian knives that can get just about any job done.

Something happened yesterday, though, that surprised even me -- the Viking Warrior Princess that my friends have called me. Michigan beat Rutgers into a bloody pulp and rather than feel by the second quarter that we needed to stop the madness, I felt a berserker bloodlust rise in me that was unexpected and exhilarating. I'd hardly given Rutgers football a spare thought in my entire life and yet, there I was late in the game getting angry that they got a first down. Horrified that we almost allowed them that one called-back score. 

I was a cold, heartless Michigan fanbeast who wanted to see how far we could take it. I've been going to Michigan games since the early '70s and have seen lots of blowouts that put me to sleep. This one had me begging. One more TD please. Go for two. Get them back to negative yardage. More shots of their coach staring in abject horror. Volume up on their band playing our victorious march. Let every NJ Wolverine play every position and run it up to 100 - you have three minutes left!

Then it came to an end. 78-0. And then there was baseball that's not the Tigers and some sad West Coast games to turn to. Ugh. The mental let down was real. Not unlike, I imagine, how it felt to storm a beach screaming into your enemies' homes, stealing all they hold dear, then having a moment to process your mad success and your power and your domination and wondering, "So, what do I have to match that feeling today?"

I know that much of this comes from watching Rutgers and coach Chris Ash using a soft little twig to jab with child-like glee at Coach Harbaugh and the Wolverines over the past several months. Their taunting words must be haunting today: "this is our national championship" and "we would choose Chris Ash over Harbaugh any day." And the actions that may haunt Rutgers for years: bringing a reported 200 recruits to watch their "national championship" - then not sending them home before the end of the 1st quarter. The patience with which Harbaugh took this yearlong buzzing was perfect. His design to pay them for it had to be expected. Ash could not be that stupid, right? Harbaugh taught Rutgers a valuable life lesson last night and he was quite merciful in the doing. He stormed their garden, spilled some blood on their grounds, stole some of their loot (hopefully some 4*/5*), and left them alive to report their story of horror to those who would replace them in the fray another day. He was a better man than I would have been, but now that my blood is cooled, I can admit the wisdom in that. 

What I can't deny is that the bloodlust is alive in me now and I don't know if I can quell it going forward. The taste was as glorious as a half-price Ruth's Chris steak. The rush was pure catharthis. To feel the same way against the Spartans... the Buckeyes... jeez, my heart would explode. It's needed that feeling for so very long.  Until those battles happen, though, I'm going to make a valiant effort to temper myself. Each game as it comes. Trust in our leadership. Believe in our team. There is nothing they can't achieve this year. Even the Vikings knew when to fight and when to farm the garden. 

And now, off to ready myself for the greatest antidote for bloodlust. Indifference and the Lions.

#GoBlue from my bloody red Viking heart! Skål!

For all the Great American Patriots (not the Tom Brady kind)

I just got back to my social media after a 12 hour day in football heaven on Saturday. It was a beautiful thing being amongst kindred souls at the Big House, watching Michigan destroy Penn State, and having Wisconsin and Duke put some tasty icing on what was a deliciously "cake" day in Ann Arbor. It was a day to forget about all the crap going on in the world and just have fun. (And isn't it nice to have honest-to-God fun in the Big House again?)

So today as I've been trying (and failing) to find joy in watching the Lions and Tigers, I'm reading through my Twitter feed and Facebook posts for the past 24 hours, and in no time, have been brought back to the grim reality that is the state of our nation. What has me going this time isn't Hillary or Trump (directly, anyway). It's the sadly not-so-surprising number of self-proclaimed real, righteous American "patriots" who are complaining about Jim Harbaugh and Mark Dantonio for supporting their players' right to peaceful protest during the National Anthem on Saturday. 

Now, I haven't written in months here. Life has been busy and in the free time I'd normally spend writing, I've been in the thick of co-founding a non-profit and trying to get that off the ground. When I have something to say, though, that remotely touches on the sports and country I love, I guarantee I'll be back out here to say it. And today, this #RespectTheFlag thing has driven me to the keyboard.

First of all, I want to say I have the utmost respect (with a "c") for both Harbaugh and Dantonio in this situation. Yes, I still feast on Spartan disrespekt and I reveled in their demise yesterday. In this one single instance, however, I'll give Dantonio due credit. Both he and Harbaugh GET IT. They understand the vast difference between a flag and a song and a country. They understand what this country is supposed to be about and they let their players be real citizens of this country yesterday. There is very little more American than what they allowed and what their players did and anyone who thinks otherwise needs to examine their history a little more closely. That is unless you really think the American colonists were wrong for their rampant disrespect of the lawful government in England and their undoubted leader, King George III. Or that earlier Americans were un-American when they fought the status quo for voting rights, civil rights, women's rights, and even your right to legally open a beer and drink it at your tailgate. Because if you think Harbaugh and Dantonio were wrong and the players in protest were wrong, that's kind of where your logic is leading. 

The flag is just a symbol made in nylon or polyester. The anthem is just a moving song that most of us can't sing properly. The United States is so much more than either of those things. To be an American, well, it's something that's inside all of us, though none of us experience it in exactly the same manner. The problem is, many people are starting to question the patriotism of those whose American experience and patriotic behavior isn't 100% locked in goose step with their own. There can only be one "patriot" in this country and it feels to me like that person is a white, gun-toting, Republican, Christian extremist who "respects" the flag and the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution, but completely disrespects true Christian and American ideals in about every other way possible. (And before I get nailed for this, let me announce that I'm a white, Independent, imperfect Christian who wouldn't mind owning a firearm or a fur coat.)

Well, wake up "patriots". One of the most fundamental rights we have as Americans in "the land of the free and the home of the brave" is the right to free speech and peaceful assembly. We have the right to question our government, to call foul on the things it does or doesn't do. We have the right, through our political and legal system, to evolve our country and make it better for every American, not just for those who feel their own way is the only way or for those who can afford to dictate what they want. Rights apply to all citizens, not just the ones you like or agree with.

There is no law telling us we have to like or support what everyone else says or does. I don't like neo-Nazis, but I think they have a right to assemble and speak because I have a right not to listen to them. I don't like some politicians, but I think they have a right to their bat-shit crazy platform because I have a right to believe in someone else's. And where is the law regulating a person's posture in front of the flag and requiring a hearty singing of the anthem? I can't find any such thing. 

I have more than a couple questions for real patriots. Why aren't you protesting the American living in my town who flies the flags of at least three foreign countries on his porch? Why aren't you protesting the guys wearing hats, guzzling beer and cat-calling the hot singer while the anthem is playing at a sporting event? Why were you mad when people joked disrespectfully about one president (W) but you've called his successor, his successor's wife, and even his successor's daughters the worst slurs you can call a human being? Why aren't your Christian values incensed by all the unfair judgment of everyone going on in this country today? I thought judgment was God's responsibility. Hmmm? Buehler?

Maybe we all need to practice less ignorance and do a bit more ignoring (of those things we don't agree with.) Kind of "live and let live."

There's a picture that sums up the kind of nation where people are segregated by those who are superior and those who are inferior. A nation where you walk in lockstep with your neighbors and your government or you pay the consequences. A nation where you have to salute the right flag and salute it correctly and you have to sing the national song and be the citizen your government demands you to be, even if it means hurting those who aren't like you just to save your own ass. It kind of looks like this:

I thank Jim Harbaugh and Mark Dantonio for their understanding of American freedom and their (and their players') bravery in standing up for it. This country would be in a lot better shape if everyone did.

No Go Blue today. Just blue.

Kittens, the NCAA, and Jim Delany

The NCAA banned satellite camps last week because, well, I guess in some way they must hurt student-athletes. That has to be it because I read this on their website. It must be true:

We are committed to enforcing the rules, creating fair competition and establishing a positive competitive environment for student-athletes across the country. It's the responsibility of our universities, athletics programs, coaches, alumni, student-athletes and national office staff to be fully accountable at every level as we support student success. Values such as respect, caring, fairness, civility, honesty, integrity and responsibility are equally important on and off the field. No one is above the rules. Unfortunately, some people will try to break the rules—but to ensure a fair system, the rules and the consequences have to apply to everyone. Our goal is to further strengthen our culture of personal responsibility and individual accountability.

In addition to that statement being garden quality manure, I have a thousand other words to say on this topic (and other feelings about the NCAA which have been growing for years). Sadly, many of the words I want to use to describe the NCAA, and often the B1G, my mother would not wish me to share in a public forum. One of them might start with a "P".

So, with respect to my mother's memory, I bring you this kitten-filled photo essay on my feelings about the NCAA decision to forbid the use of satellite camps -- that evil, but heretofore legal practice so cleverly executed by Jim Harbaugh in the 2015 off-season. That same unfair tactic that put the SEC and  other morally upstanding conferences at such a competitive disadvantage. The NCAA and representatives from those poor, mistreated conferences voted to end that practice this year ... just as Michigan (and others who thought "why didn't we think of that?") were readying to rollout another set of camps this summer. Bring on the kittens!

The NCAA Snuggles with the SEC, ACC, and Big 12
Cute fluffy kittens from unfairly treated conferences catch a snuggle with Mark Emmert, the softest kitten of them all. These guys look pretty content and happy now, but for the past year, I guess you could say they've been staging a [wink, wink] Kitten Riot. "There's not enough room in the litter box for you, Harbaugh." Because it's already full of smelly ...

The B1G Has Our Back

Correction. The B1G is on its back. Just happy to have a job and rolling over in a cute, but submissive posture, we find B1G Commish Jim Delany responding to the NCAA decision. "I don't care what you do to Harbaugh, Mr. Emmert. The rest of my schools love it. Can you scratch my tummy?" This guy is an even softer kitten than Emmert.

On  Jim Harbaugh's (Imagined) Reaction
Unflappable in the face of adversity, Jim feasts on the kitten-like attempts to stop him from his mad and brilliant quest. "Eat more kitten. It tastes like vitamins. Got milk, anyone?"

When asked about his feelings on the ruling, Mark Dantonio was effusive in his support. "Camps were disrespectful and that little weasel got what he deserved. I hate the weasels. I hate kittens. And some days, I just hate green. You know, it's not easy being green. It seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things. And people tend to pass you over 'cause you're not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water or stars in the sky. Kermit sang that. Hated it. Hate puppets.'  Well, except for the NCAA.

There are rumblings of discontent over the decision in many places inside and outside of Ann Arbor and who knows what will happen. I suspect because it's the NCAA and the NCAA is ... a kitten... nothing will happen. And next year, we'll see the Jim Harbaugh Spring Break Rule enacted for the protection of student-athletes and SEC schools everywhere. Count on it.

Winning in spite of it all is going to be beautiful.

Go Blue. In Harbaugh we trust!

This Isn't Tee-Ball, People

By now you've all probably noticed that I only write a lot when I've got something to say that I can't hold back. There's no editor pushing me against a deadline and no income making this little hobby a "must do" task. And nothing moves me more to write than frustration, irritation, or outrage...and I'm feeling a little bit of all these things as the recruitment of the 2016 class slowly moves toward National Signing Day. So, I'm back from my little winter hiatus to jump in about something that's been niggling at me for the past couple weeks.

What's got my panties in such a twist? 
The rash of recent decommitments?
The roller coaster ride of prognostication as NSD approaches?
Stage moms deciding what their sons will do?
Michigan pulling scholarships from "committed" players within weeks of Signing Day?

No. It's none of that!

It's the way in which the whole nation is shocked and appalled at the way Jim Harbaugh is constructing his team and running his program. A man and his staff who are not allowed to speak about the particulars of their strategies and decisions related to recruits are being vilified for 'breaking trust with these Michigan-loyal student-athletes,' They're 'just kids' and 'it's so unfair' and 'the only honorable thing to do is give them their scholarships and stick by our word to them.' And so on, ad nauseum.

There are (at least) four kinds of people murmuring or ranting about Harbaugh right now:

1. ESPN and other sports news organizations who know that anything Harbaugh gets clicks. 
2. Frightened trolls and total hypocrites from other schools who are probably pretty upset that Michigan is killing it with recruiting this year and the momentum is changing in Ann Arbor.
3.  Michigan "fans" who want a National Championship but also want to make sure that everyone feels good and gets a participation trophy.
4. The decommitted recruits themselves.

I'm going to start with the media and simply say, I don't care what they say or report. All they're after is viewers and clicks. No coach in the nation is as viewable or clickable as Jim Harbaugh. He knows that himself and he plays the media with professional acuity. He knows exactly what he's doing and I sure can't see where any of it is outside the NCAA rules. I'll admit it now. I love this man. He had me at 'Hello!" He completes me as a Michigan fan.

As for the jealous trolls and hypocrites, I see them as the primary source of all the Harbaugh-shaming of late. Spartans, who see their reign of terror ending, are full of outrage. The Buckeyes and SEC schools who are getting dumped by superstar recruits racing to Ann Arbor are decrying Harbaugh's tactics while they continue grayshirting and any other number of genuinely shady recruiting practices. It's not even the pot calling the kettle "black" here. There isn't a comparison to be made between letting a committed, yet unsigned recruit go weeks before National Signing Day and letting one sign up, start classes, play a game or two, and THEN say, "Sorry, buddy, but we can't keep you on the team." That is the definition of reprehensible. That's not what Michigan is doing.

With regard to our own fanbase - I feel most irritated of all with that. In my opinion, any Michigan fan who's whining about how dreadful Harbaugh has been to pull scholarships from commits should, in the words of Dave Brandon "Go find another team. We'll be fine without you."  This, people, is how Jim Harbaugh works. He's worked this way everywhere he's been. We knew what we were getting, and I'm damn glad he's exactly what I expected and so much more. If you want a kinder and gentler program that can't win 6 games a year and never beats a traditional rival, then you should find another team. God knows there are plenty out there that meet those criteria. Go throw yourself behind the Oregon defense, perhaps. Hoke will be there to clap for you. Michigan needs no more of the Hokensian "we're just having fun" kind of thinking. Harbaugh is purging that weakness and mediocrity from our collective memory. This will be a winning team again, not a national target of ridicule. 

And finally, we have these recruits themselves. I don't know how many of you have followed these kids on Twitter or Instagram or SnapChat... but I do and you know what? They are in no way the naive Pollyannas that so many seem to think. They've been worshipped and coddled and told how amazing they are, in some instances, since 8th grade. Sure, some may be taken advantage of by coaches and parents who use them for their own ends. But there are just as many who, after years of getting sunshine blown into dark places, have developed a sense of entitlement that astonishes me. We're all hanging on every move these 17- and 18-year old kids are making and they can play a coach just as easily as a coach can play them. 

The truth is, we don't know - and may never know - the full stories behind all these decommitments or flips. I'm pretty certain some have been legitimate "I've changed my mind about Michigan" on the side of the athlete. Others have been nudged out for reasons Harbaugh might call a failure to launch. Michigan under Coach Jim is not going to be handing out participation ribbons and trophies for wearing the uniform. No one is going to be able to commit two years prior and then coast into a cushy spot high on the Michigan depth chart. Harbaugh is a madman. He doesn't like things that don't have a winner and a loser. He's been competing and working to be the best at everything since the doctor slapped him on the butt at birth. Nothing less than total commitment to incessant improvement will do for guys who want to play in Ann Arbor. Any dejected recruit who says a word against this coaching staff is very likely not made of the stuff we're looking for anyway. 

I'm all behind the way Michigan has driven the road to National Signing Day and it's made me even prouder to be a Wolverine fan and alum. I'd say that Harbaugh and company are doing the best they can to halt the wussification of America, one kid at a time, by employing good old-fashioned ideas like hard work and the recognition of winners and achievers. 

It's not Tee-ball, Michigan fans. We're gonna keep score. And somebody is going to WIN. He's just trying to ensure that it's us.

Go Blue!

Exposed in the End, the Wolverines Will Emerge Hungrier

It’s been a few days and I can finally let myself think calmly about last weekend in the context of the whole season.  I went dark after the MSU game. It was a terrible thing for me. Within moments, I took my Facebook profile photo down and replaced my cheery Michigan cover photo with a bleak, soulless black and white photo I took years ago of a crow in a dead tree in the Utah desert. The last minute fluke play sucked away my will to be among people online or in-person for a good two days. It felt like being run over by a truck for about a week and truth be told, I'm not over it yet. I'm just packaging up my anger and saving it for next year. It should have a nice sharpness to it by then.

When last Saturday happened, the feeling was certainly depressing, but it left me in a much different state of mind. This may be because our larger dreams died right there on the field. Excepting a bowl game, the season was over and it didn’t matter anymore what MSU or another team did. There was no fluke play to fume over. The refs were bad, but a few missed calls were not the reason we lost. OSU was ready...and better. Michigan wasn’t. The evisceration of our team began early and was painfully deliberate. On another blog I read a comment with a metaphor I'd like to extend. This guy called the OSU game “a colonoscopy without the benefit of anesthesia.” I’d say that’s an apt description. A feeling of being uncomfortably, mortifyingly exposed. We, as fans, have been going through the prep all season, drinking the Gatorade, starving for THE GAME and the sustenance we’d enjoy once it was over. In its sure-to-be glorious aftermath, we were ready for a feast on Buckeye nut-encrusted vitamin-rich steak after dispatching a crumbling OSU to loss #2. Then we got rolled into the procedure room, and the anesthesiologist said “Your insurance doesn't cover anesthesia, but you can listen to some music.” And they played Hang on Sloopy on a loop as the gastroenterologist arrived, tapped us on the bum and said “You're going to feel a little pressure” with an evil grin.  And we looked around to see Urban Meyer. 

Now, the weird thing is, I can envision Urban Meyer enjoying something like that. I’m not sure why he had to give one to Jim Harbaugh, because Mark Dantonio looks like he’s in far greater need of a checkup down there. I guess it’s all the undigested red meat Jim keeps promoting? In the end (no pun intended), we learned that our Butt (Jake, of course) and the rest of the team and staff will be better for that embarrassing exposure in the future. I expect that they’re already studying up on their football gastroenterology and will be taking care of Dantonio and Meyer next year.

I’m still somewhat stunned at the outcome of the game, but I’m looking at it as a moment on a timeline that’s really just begun. When I look back on what we were all witnessing last year at this time, it's almost inconceivable where we stand today. One year ago today, Jim Hackett fired Brady Hoke. Dave Brandon was already gone. We were glued to our favorite Michigan sports news outlets, half in fear, half in euphoria waiting to see the mysterious words for which we all knew the reference: It’s happening. We heard the NFL media say “He’ll never leave.” We heard Michigan insiders say “It’s his destiny.” Then one day at the end of December, all the pain and humiliation of being a Michigan fan was relieved with one simple announcement. Jim Harbaugh was happening.

After nearly an entire year of hard work, relentless effort, creative recruiting, and dozens of quirky public photo opps, Harbaugh is a bowl game away from his first complete season on the Michigan sidelines as head coach. There were ups and downs along the way. A loss to Utah that played a few weeks later may have been a nice win. A loss to Michigan State on a weird game-ending play that was as much Spartan luck as it was Spartan skill -- and of course, the brutal field dressing performed by the Buckeyes last weekend. In between those moments, we saw a lot of good, bad, crazy, maddening, inspiring, hold-your-breath football. Moments of Hokiness. Moments of mad genius. We saw Harbaugh and his staff make a quality quarterback of Jake Rudock from Iowa’s scraps (Thank you, Hawkeyes!) and watched as he broke records and passed his coach and Tom Brady on some pretty big QB stat lists. The defense, for most of the season, was ranked among the top five in the nation in all the defensive categories. Guys like Peppers, Chesson, Smith, Darboh, Butt, and so many more, stepped up and played with grit and pride. Football looked like fun again and they gave us 9-3 after a disheartening 5-7 bowl-free season in 2014.

They didn’t win the big games we wanted so badly, but they showed us what the future looks like: Bright. Intense. Fun. Although I got pulled into the what-ifs that had Michigan going to the B1G championship game and the twisted scenarios leading to the CFP, it was wrong of me to hang my hopes on that. It was very wishful thinking; me and my belief that the universe was spinning this into Bo’s 1969 team redux. A team destined. That wasn’t really fair. It could have happened, but was never a very likely thing. Not something we mused about at the Spring Game in April or heading into the first games of the season. 7-5. 8-4. That sounded like a good start coming from such a low point. This regular season’s 9-3 (given who 2 of the 3 were) was not successful by the measures we want to use but it also didn’t feel like a failure. These coaches got all that performance out of much the same team that Hoke fielded in 2014. Many of those newly well-coached Hoke kids will be back and we’ve already seen evidence that big time recruits are interested in the experience Harbaugh is selling. He knows how to put the pieces together and I believe we’re in for some great things very soon.

After waiting for what seemed like ages for September and the Utah game to arrive, we’re somehow in December and staring at the down time. They’ll have one more game somewhere warm. We’ll wait to see how the fight for recruits shakes out on February’s National Signing Day. Then a little more snow shoveling before we get to the Spring Game in 2016. It’ll be September again before we know it because time flies when you’re having fun. And it IS fun again!

I can’t wait to see how we improve next season. How veterans become stronger and smarter in their positions; how the incoming freshmen make their first statements on the field as Wolverines. Jimmy is probably already working on that, turning the results of that painful game-day colonoscopy into something good. Lessons. Motivation. Competition. Teamwork.  

Let’s hope, like all negative “screenings”, our next uncomfortable examination from Dr. Meyer isn’t due for at least another 10 years (or more)!

Go Blue!

The Game: A Battle Between The Team and the I's and Me's of OSU

Yes, it's been awhile. Three weeks to be precise. My last post, written before the Rutgers game, was a silly piece fueled by an respiratory virus, strong coffee, and maple-glazed donuts, sponsored, in large part, by Mucinex. All that time and a bottle of Flonase later, a lot has happened. It’s all been pretty good if you consider the Wolverine’s successes, which weren’t always pretty, but always ended well. The only bad part was that one of the few times in my life I’ve actually cheered for the Buckeyes, they added “didn’t come to play football” to the list of other things they don’t do, such as “play school” or respect their coaches. It's okay, though. We don't respect their coaches, either. Watching OSU implode last week after losing just one of their last 24 games was compensation enough for me. Amazingly, even after MSU's win, there's still a shred of hope for an interesting post-season for Michigan. A top bowl game? A B1G championship? The CFP? It's all still on the table, however crazy it seems, until this evening.

Today is the pivotal day where our destiny becomes clearer and unfortunately, it's not entirely ours to determine. We need to win. Sparty needs to lose. Simple as that. I've heard so many of their fans talk about their undeniable lock on a CFP playoff berth that I wonder if MSU's team isn't looking too far ahead, as well. One can only hope. They forget how close they flirted with disaster at the end of most their games. Yes, they should beat Penn State. Like they were supposed to beat Nebraska, too. Anything could happen. I'm hoping this is the day their Last Minute Luck (translated by Spartans as "Skill") runs out.

The Wolverines are first up tomorrow and need to knock out the Buckeyes to do their part. I hate to be overconfident and jinx things, but I feel good about this game. First, I think there's some ugliness going on in the OSU locker room and their prima donna players who aren't getting the "me" time they think they deserve are calling out their coaches and questioning their decisions. Urban Meyer shrugs it off as the reaction of frustrated 20-year olds to losing, but he's no stranger to mutinous behavior. His I'm quitting/I'm staying/I'm quitting stunt at Florida left a bad taste down there and it looks like he could someday be heading for the same in Columbus. Lose another game and he'll be clutching his chest and considering a health-related resignation again. Fingers crossed, trouble in Columbus is good for Michigan tomorrow and in the future. 

I also think Jim Harbaugh has been saving up for this game since he took the job. He may even have been thinking about "If I was Michigan's head coach..." versus OSU scenarios for years while guzzling whole milk, eating steak, and saving programs elsewhere. All games are important but this one must feel very personal for him and for every player on the field. They need this win in their souls and the Buckeye's are ripe for the picking. At home in the Big House, riding on the high of a surprisingly good season -- this task is so very doable. If the Wolverines do win, and I believe they will, it will all harken back to Schembechler's The Team speech. It's worth remembering here and now. It's worth comparing to the behavior of the Buckeyes after their loss last week:

“We want the Big Ten championship and we’re gonna win it as a Team. They can throw out all those great backs, and great quarterbacks, and great defensive players, throughout the country and in this conference, but there’s gonna be one Team that’s gonna play solely as a Team. No man is more important than The Team. No coach is more important than The Team. The Team, The Team, The Team, and if we think that way, all of us, everything that you do, you take into consideration what effect does it have on my Team? Because you can go into professional football, you can go anywhere you want to play after you leave here. You will never play for a Team again. You’ll play for a contract. You’ll play for this. You’ll play for that. You’ll play for everything except the team, and think what a great thing it is to be a part of something that is, The Team. We’re gonna win it. We’re gonna win the championship again because we’re gonna play as team, better than anybody else in this conference, we’re gonna play together as a team. We’re gonna believe in each other, we’re not gonna criticize each other, we’re not gonna talk about each other, we’re gonna encourage each other. And when we play as a team, when the old season is over, you and I know, it’s gonna be Michigan again, Michigan.”

Jim Harbaugh's Wolverines, with every game, become more and more a living example of this old and timeless speech. It's how you can take essentially the same hapless team Brady Hoke fielded last year and forge it into a force to be reckoned with now. When Bo said "We’re gonna believe in each other, we’re not gonna criticize each other, we’re not gonna talk about each other, we’re gonna encourage each other," he could have been speaking of the current day Michigan and OSU teams directly - one exemplifying "The Team"; the other exemplifying the ills of men and coaches who are more important than the team.

It's too bad that Ezekiel Elliott, Cardale Jones, and other Buckeyes will never understand this concept. They have the comfort of a ring, but 20 years from now, will they still have their team? They may have a few million in the bank. But will they be part of a brotherhood that runs true for all time? Not likely (and they probably won't care.) It is what this Michigan team will have. Each other. And the support of every living member of every Michigan team that came down that tunnel before them, whether they won or lost on the field.

I’m putting my money on THE TEAM this weekend and will do so every weekend Jim Harbaugh is standing on the sidelines in maize and blue and khaki. Anything is possible now. OSU “can throw out all those great backs, and great quarterbacks, and great defensive players” but it’s hard for individual competitors to beat The Team. 

I think we have this one. And it's gonna be Michigan again, Michigan.

May there be a multitude of new reasons to be thankful this weekend! 

Go Blue! Beat OSU! And for good measure, Go Penn State! You have one job. Do it!

Harbaugh. Germs. Androids. Healthcare. Cider. A Sick Saturday Morning Stream of Consciousness

I hate being sick. It's bad enough during the week, but on a lovely fall weekend, it's the worst. I'm not miserable, mind you. Just a sore, tickly throat and a sinus thing going on that makes talking hurt and my voice sound like Demi Moore after gargling sand. Sadly, therein ends the comparison between me and Ms. Moore!

It's also messing with my brain, which explains my postless, almost tweetless week. My mind, when not in a deep, healing sleep, hasn't been capable of deep thinking on anything except my obsession with a big bowl of spicy (virus-destroyingl) Tom Yum and living 20 miles from the nearest good (well, even bad) Thai restaurant. I have yet to get the soup. I have yet to string together enough thoughts to inspire a great blog post.
Until my mind and body are back in sync, I'm going to offer up a window into my muddled brain through some slightly edited stream of consciousness as I struggle to start my Saturday. Here goes:

[Ten minutes later] God,I couldn't even stay awake to write the first sentence. There’s my phone buzzing. Oh, a favorite for my donut tweet. I wonder if there's still a maple-glazed downstairs? I should get out of bed and go watch Game Day. Why in the [radio edit] is Advair so expensive? I don't even know where Game Day is. Wireless is so slow upstairs. Xfinity bites. I am such a slug. Need more water, not more coffee. Good thing I turned down the Rutgers game today. I must not feel well if missing it doesn't even faze me. Jim Caldwell reminds me of Brady Hoke. He's not aware. Mike Riley is Nebraska's Bready Hoke. I like that my tablet associated Brady with bready. Ambulatory carbohydrates. How cool is it that the Beileins coached against each other? Juice. That would taste so good. Or cider. Why does Android auto-correct always think thge misty eyed [mistyped] word is right and the correct word shown is o thge left and not aotmatically corected? The donut was a bad choice. Sugar spike. I don't really want a hamburger tonight. German sounds better. Kid’s birthday, kein Metzger’s für uns heute Abend. There had better be a TV with the game on. Jim Bob Cooter is like the Waltons and Dukes of Hazzard collided and not in a good way. I remember the Rutgers game last year. Miracle? My TV survived Michigan 2014. Looked back at old posts and didn't even mention that heinous result. I should write a sentence starting with “Jim” based on Android autocorrect and predictive text suggestions: Jim Harbaugh has probably turned that in New Zealand. Alrighty, then. I have no idea what that says about me. That was fun! Let's try it again with “I”: I lost like they're shutting down academic Department for years to become a Dantonio. I am sicker than I thought. Must get up. This Android word suggestion thing could be writing crack. I can't see my lawn for all the leaves. Will we see Speight today? This is a big spread and I don't know if we'll beat it. PTSD from last year. Have faith. This should be another shutout. Shoutout! To whom I do not know. Martha Ford. I hope to be 90 and rich and feisty. More cojones than William Clay. Settle for 55 and rich. Pisses me off when people say a woman shouldn't run a macho thing like a football team. Like MEN have done so well with the Lions! I would pull out my own fingernails before getting on a Russian airplane. Glad my man likes my sports knowledge. Except when I learn about big MLB trades before him. David Price. Is Mike Babcock having fun in Toronto yet? Lidstrom. So great. Something other than IKEA worshipped both here and in Sweden. Hockey Hall of Fame, sorry, not fun unless you like sweaters and sticks. Conn-Smythe the best. Maple leaves. Canada. Ordered Strepsils from Canada because they're the best for sore throats. Why are Strepsils not in the US??? Why can't the U.S. have nice things like good OTC drugs? I love Shoppers Drug Mart. Or Hy and Zel's in Mississauga. Why am I still in bed? Game Day is over. Okay, I'll get going. Must start prepping 80 care packages for soldiers. 3:30 is coming quickly and then payback for last year. Feeling it. The things our soldiers request is breaking my heart. Warm bedding. Socks. This is 2015, not Washington at Valley Forge. Need something special for the Michigan soldier stuck living with Buckeyes and ‘Bama fans in APO BFE. Fighting the enemy. Living with them. He needs a big M flag. Should I assume he's an M fan? Do I care? Would sending a remote Spartan "M" gear make me a Tokyo Rose ... or be a kindness offered to a misguided soul far from home? Mike Riley could use a win today. Veiled MSU disrespect. If you say it, it's not so veiled, is it? My feet are on the floor. Open enrollment. Crap. Worst type of shopping ever. Stretching. Coughy. Coffee gone, so water it is. Up. Into this Maize and Blue day!

That experience was really cathartic. I highly recommend it.

My Android wanted to wish you the best for this day: 

Have a great Michigan football income supports all day and Harbaugh has to let us back as good carelessly fans and Harbaugh does not otherwise in Ann Arbor today!

I can say it a little better:

Go Blue! Beat Rutgers! Durkin Donuts (and hamburgers, it seems) for dinner!

Ruminating about MSU and the Audacity of Hoke

This little guy got multiple
concussions during the game.

I've returned to the living, back from the self-imposed period of dark and solitary reflection that started during the last play of the Michigan-MSU game when, as MGoBlog so rightly called it, "The Worst Thing Ever" happened. 

It was the Worst Thing Ever. I screamed and beat my Dammit Doll. I set a world record for the number of times "No!" was yelled in less than 10 seconds. I unleashed long and creatively strung together curses. Dinner out was cancelled. I couldn't even be bothered to get a calming beer or glass of wine. Dead inside, I slumped on the loveseat, stunned, ill, and unable to tend to anything but the most rudimentary functions. These feelings festered well into Sunday and the early part of the work week. I think I was actually depressed for awhile. When I did find some moments of respite, someone on the radio or TV or in social media would yank me back into my abysmal sadness. I read about the end and listened as the world talked about it. I have yet, though, to watch a replay of the Worst Thing Ever and hope I never will.

I was ruminating, which is defined as repetitively thinking about the causes, situational factors, and consequences of one's negative emotional experience. I'd certainly nominate the Worst Thing Ever as the mother of all negative emotional experiences. Psychology Today warns that rumination can lead to many bad things, including: 

• becoming depressed (was almost there)
• increased risk of alcohol abuse and eating disorders (would have been there if I could bother to get off the couch)
• fostering overall negative thinking (paranoid feelings that Jim Delany is out to get Michigan?)
• impaired problem-solving (does avoiding them count?)

So, with those evils before me, I'm determined to stop ruminating about something as unimportant in the world as MSU. It's ironic that this came to mind in writing about Michigan State, because East Lansing is home to a variety of ruminant creatures, like cows and sheep and Mark Dantonio. They're rather complex beasts. All I know about them is pretty much shown in this cross-section of a cow. It eats. The grass rolls around and does things in there that make acid reflux sound simple (and attractive.) And then it poops. Somehow these beasts lead to ice cream and cheese, so I can't knock them too much.

I always thought mental rumination was called that because thoughts rotated in the mind like the grass inside a cow. After this doleful week, I understand the relationship between the mental act and the cow much more clearly. It's not about the regurgitation process. It's about the poop. Cow poop. Mental poop. They're both stinky. And I felt like the end-product of bovine rumination for quite some time after Saturday.

So, in an effort to ease my mind and move on... to put steel in my spine as our coach recommends ... I will say nothing more about the game itself and my opinions of how it went. It's done. It's all been said already. I'm at peace now. (Mostly.) We're okay. It was a Great Horrible Accident. The rest of the season, culminating with the Buckeyes in the Big House, can still show us successes that we only dreamed of just one year ago. Let's put an end to this cud-chewing and look onward and upward, where our Wolverines are heading.

Speaking of last season, an uninvited blast from the past actually interceded mid-week to immediately take my mind off the evils of MSU and B1G officiating. His voice and his words were like bombs going off around Michigan fans just beginning to heal from their football PTSD. 

He's baaack!

After about 10 months of blessed Hokelessness, in which the Wolverines already have as many wins as they did the entire 2014 season, Brady Hoke emerged from exile, condescending to give his opinion of The Worst Thing Ever.

In doing so, he actually second-guessed Jim Harbaugh, saying he would have gone for it instead of punting at the end. He (and the 10 players he'd likely have on the field) would have accepted the risk of putting the Hail Mary ball into Connor Cook's hands, trusting the top-rated defense to keep him from burning us. Later he went on to say Harbaugh's success early at Michigan validates his rebuilding of the program. You know, his 31-20 upgrade from the late Carr/early Rich Rod years.

I call this, with apologies to Barack Obama, the Audacity of Hoke. The headset he now wears as a Sirius radio personality must be restricting oxygen-bearing red blood cells to his little head. Our former head clapper and sponsor of the words Well, practice, and apologize, left us in 2014 with a mortifying 5-7 record. Yet he was brimming with advice and opinion on all things Michigan and Harbaugh, speaking on his show and in some later interviews with SI. 

Listen to Hoke's entire SiriusXM statement on Soundcloud: 



Or enjoy his additional comments on Harbaugh, Michigan, his Wolverine legacy and his coaching future here at SI Campus Rush. Make free to laugh, weep, or gnash your teeth as you see fit. 

Hearing Hoke make noise about...

• his own end of game management (and ballsy decision-making), like that heartbreaker in Columbus and the 2 point conversion
• his growth of the program, almost to the point where you expect Harbaugh should be thanking him publicly
• his implication that he's somehow on par with Rich Rodriguez, Jim Harbaugh, David Cutcliffe, and others
• and wanting to be a coach in a Power 5 conference again 

...makes me feel that poor Brady has been a victim of excessive rumination himself since his firing in 2014. Signs of impaired decision-making are clear (opening his mouth and rather than stuffing it with pizza, commenting on the Worst Thing Ever AND judging Harbaugh's decisions) coupled with growing delusions of grandeur (Michigan's success this year has anything to do with him?) 

We see here a fine example of the dangers of letting your mind contemplate the negative too much. Brady Hoke's 2nd, 3rd, and 4th stomachs, in conjunction with his single brain, have created a masterpiece of ruminative (rear)end product this week. It isn't just about his regurgitation of his time at Michigan, it's about the poop. And apparently his has grown more fragrant in the aging. My nose, for one, isn't buying it. 

Luckily, he can get back to that pizza now.

A Needed Bye Week Break

We're in it, Wolverines. Enjoy it. Look forward to the onward and upward sans cows, Horrible Accidents, and the revisionist history of our discarded coaches. The rest of the season starts next week.

Go Blue! Beat Beat the Gophers!